Dante Papier

Written by

Dante Papier

15 July 2021

Novlr Authors

Writer’s Block Diary: Wealth and Hellbeing

Dante Papier is the satirical mind-child of Novlr Author Daniel Piper, whom you can find on Instagram and substack and you can buy his book here. He has a column here on the Novlr blog (read his intro here). Enjoy.

28 June:

Helped an elderly couple find their lost dog today. They approached me as I was sitting on a park bench (musing about the nature of time) and asked if I had seen a small, grey cockapoo. I said no. Thirty minutes later they walked past again, clutching their dog. I gave them a warm smile, delighted to have assisted them in their search.

29 June:

Thought of an excellent title for a novel: Wealth and Hellbeing. Not sure what it would be about. But what a title!

30 June:

Had my football nightmare again. I am walking past a football stadium when the ball flies out over the top and lands at my feet. Suddenly all of the world’s television cameras are on me and the entire crowd is chanting at me to kick it back into the stadium. I attempt to kick the ball multiple times but keep missing it. Eventually I manage to kick it, but it somehow goes behind me. By now the crowd is jeering very loudly.

1 July:

Am deeply troubled by the number of successful people who are younger than me. It is impossible to go online or turn on the television without seeing people in their twenties or – worse – teens. It is an epidemic. Today I Googled every single famous person I could think of, young and old, and calculated their average age. 31. I am 30. Must do something big in the next twelve months. Must shake off writer’s block.

2 July:

Had my teeth nightmare again. A tooth falls out, but if I reinsert it within thirty seconds it will stick again. Am searching the floor, but can’t find it. Then, with five seconds to spare, I spot two teeth on the floor – and I don’t know which is mine. I choose one at random and reinsert it into the hole in my gum. It falls straight out. It was the wrong tooth. 

3 July:

Am deeply troubled by the amount of One Direction content on my Instagram feed. I accidentally double-tapped one image of Harry Styles at the beginning of the week and now my ‘Discover’ tab is full of them all. I have learned so much about them over the last few days. I know that Louis has just announced his new tour dates. I know that Niall was recently in Bath Spa. I know that Harry is currently filming a movie about a gay policeman. I know that Liam is called Liam. Why do I know these things? I do not want to know these things.

4 July:

Thought of a brilliant name for a novel: F*ck the Cistern. Not sure what it’s about. Should probably involve a toilet.