Dante Papier

Written by

Dante Papier

7 July 2021

Novlr Authors

Every Tom, Dick and Harry walk into a bar

Dante Papier is the mind-child of Novlr Author Daniel Piper, whom you can find on Instagram and substack and you can buy his book here. Dante keeps a writing diary here on the Novlr blog (read his intro here). Enjoy.

21 June:

Am troubled. My urine smells funny. Been to the toilet thrice today and noticed it every time. Have been on Google and have decided it is either catastrophic organ failure or a brain tumour. Both fatal.

22 June:

Went on TikTok in an attempt to find writing inspiration. Was horrified by what I found. It saddens me that, when asked what they would like to do when they grow up, instead of ‘become an astronaut’ or ‘become a talented and accomplished writer’, today’s children are much more likely to reply, ‘dance on the spot whilst pointing at bits of text.’ Tragic.

Saw Doctor Caldwell about my smelly wee. Apparently I am eating too much asparagus.

23 June:

Created a TikTok account. Posted a video of me dancing on the spot to Stravinsky’s Rite of Spring whilst pointing at various writing tips (‘Seek the truth and the truth ye shall find’, ‘Wearing ear defenders to avoid distractions’, ‘Read the greats: Byron, Shelley, Papier, etc’). Will log on tomorrow to check Likes.

24 June:

Deleted TikTok account.

25 June:

Thought of a brilliant joke. Every Tom, Dick and Harry walk into a bar. Not sure what happens, but just imagine every single Tom, Dick and Harry, all in one bar! Madness!

26 June:

Went for a drink with a friend. Got into a heated argument about The World is Not Enough. He claimed it to be “Brosnan’s best” and at one point even said it was “better than Goldeneye”. I stormed out.

27 June:

Decided I should read more non-fiction to improve my general knowledge. Went to Waterstones but panicked at the size of the non-fiction section and ended up buying a book about former England goalkeeper David Seaman. V interesting, but suspect it has only improved my general knowledge of David Seaman.